The space bewteen us

I believe a book lives in me. Nobody except me knows of the book's existence or how long it has has been living in me. It hasn't never paid rent and it has in more than one instant taken up my time, space, and has eaten up all my inspiration and energies. It keeps writing itself in the shower, driving my car, listening to music, watching a movie, looking into Nathan's eyes. It goes with me everywhere. I fear it leaving me, but I am more afraid of what I will mean to myself if I don't let it out.

"The Space Between Us" by Thirty Umrigar is the latest book that I am reading. The story is about the transformative power of human connection and love between a upper Caste Indian women and her lower caste servant within the confines of a oppressive and hierarchal class/caste system. I am about fifty pages in the story and already I have fallen in love with Umrigar's writing and story.

Umigar comments that writing is a lonely place and that stories, dialogue and poetry are borne from solitude. Writing will take you away from your friends and family. The only you have to rely on when you get stuck is yourself. It can be all-consuming.

In the back pages of the book, she has a little section titled " Words to the Wise, would-be Writer". She lists fifteen ways to think about writing. Here they are in a nutshell.

1.) Ask yourself why you want to write.
2.)If you are a true writer, writing is a way of surviving in the world, the medium through which you make sense of your life, and its too much fun!
3.) Ask yourself what you want to write. Do you want to tell your story or someone elses?
4.) Write your story all the time, live with it, and never let it stray too far away.
5.) Make time for yourself. Solitude is really important for a writer.
6.) Carry your flash drive with you all the time, find little blocks of time here and there to write.
7.) Saying that you don't have time to write is an excuse.
8.)Read extensively, makes you a better writer and a great book can serve as inspiration.
9.) Believe in your work.
10.) Turn off that sinister voice in your head that is forever telling you that " this is crap".
11.) After you're done with the first draft, reread your work in a loving but critical way.
12.) Live a large and active life.
13.) Love someone deeply and intensely. You will learn more about your self- your flaws and your strengths, your limits and your expansiveness- through this experience than any other.
14.) Be gentle with yourself. Great writing is always compassionate.
15.) Write for the right reasons. The ability to write is a gift, a special grace. It should not be abused for cynical reasons.
* "Write what is in your heart. Write the stories that make you proud of yourself, not embarrassed. And never lose the ability to know the difference.

A shout out to "Youtube"!

The last two weeks have been a swirling orgy of research papers, long drives south, headaches, Starbucks Chai lattes, good books, computer screens, red periods,"YouTube", small disputes, and Tracy Chapman. I hope this gives you a feel or at least a taste of my sweet and low.

I have been writing a lot lately, nothing too exciting, just research papers. During the dizzyingly early evenings when attempting to construct whatever social work paper I have due the next day, "youtube" has begun to join me in my long solitary journeys into the depths of paper writing. I look to "Youtube" to supply me with any possible song that I can think of to listen to. "Youtube" gives me a smile and an ominous look through its digital mega pixals and suddenly every Tracy Chapman Song that has even been recorded ( along with music videos) pops up. In that moment, I am so grateful for the virtual magic and digital efficiency my dear little friend has imagined and translated into a audio reality. I would like to thank all the digital and electronic
( don't think I forgot about you) that have given me the audio support I needed to get through those long lonely evening of research and writing. My social Work professors thanks you too!

been really busy this week, and getting busier by the moment. going back down to sf this weekend to visit an old friend. post more after my trip.

A Sordid Fairytale

I'm listening to Tori Amos and one of my favorite songs is " A Sorta Fairytale" from her most recent Album. Her songs are always so dark, strange, and enchanting. My relationship history is a sordid fairy tale as well. My story has been occupied by a colorful cast of characters: a gremlin from Armenia; wild beasts ; hermits, one from the red desert; a evil wizard from the Texas; a pretentious bear from the valley and a Canadian Gnome. I have never been one for Prince Charmings, something about pure perfection that seems unnatural. I much prefer a gnome or a hermit to a prince any day; they are more interesting and fun to date.

I don't identify to this fairy tale analogy because I am a woman who wants to be rescued or carried off in a white Audi 5000 by my Charming Prince but because the mythical landscape of dating and romantic relationships is a strangle realm. You can lose your head as easily as you can lose your heart. There is no telling, the terrains, canyons, forests, and deserts once transverse in the mythical land of fairy tales.There are no tangible lifelines except a good partner, blind faith, an abundance of trust, and an open heart.

Once upon a time a Canadian Gnome and a moon-faced Asian princess met in a dorm full of bad food, odd smells, merry men, damsels in distress, gossip queens, and grey walls. They were opposites and everyone saw this and they knew it too. But for some mystical reason or another they got along well and the apple -checked Gnome made the moon-faced Princess laugh. They were happy together for many moons and hundreds of fortnights.
One day during a walk together they came upon a huge fortress of stone. The monolithic stone walls were covered with green ivy and the Iron gate appeared to be locked. The princess wanted to turn back, but the gnome wanted to continue forward. She urged the gnome to go back before it got dark,
" I'm scared" she whispered.
"It's alright, princess, we'll take and look and see if the gate is surpassable".
The Gnome walked to the rustic iron gate and shaked the lock a couple of times till it shook loose. " Come on, let's go in" encouraged the Gnome.
"What if we are caught? What if there are snakes? What if -"
"It'll be okay, I'll protect you" reassured the gnome.
The princess hesitated for a moment and walk and few steps forward where the gnome reached out his hand for her to hold. The princess took his hand and they went beyond the walls and the gate. Once inside they couldn't believe their eyes, an unending field of gold sunshine, vibrant colored wild flowers, willow trees, and the air smelled of juniper. They ran into the field of gold, chasing each other until they fell under the arm of a huge willow tree and fell asleep with smiles on their faces and glee in their hearts.
The princess slowly open her eyes to the night and saw that the once-vibrant flowers were wilted and lifeless and fallen to the ground. The rich gold fields had disappeared leaving a barren and fruitless desert. The willow trees looked like huge monsters in the dark their arms swaying to the rough winds.
"Wake up Gnome!" urged the princess. " Look at what our golden paradise has turned into, I getting out of here".
The princess started running for the gate.
" Wait Princess, Wait for me".
The princess turned around at the gnome in flash of rage,
" Let me go, I told you this was a bad idea, why didn't you listen to me!" scowled the princess. " "We can fight get through this , if we stay together." urged the gnome.
" I want to go home!, I can't see anything, I am scared, I need light!"
"Be still" the Gnome said, " We can huddle next to each other to stay warm and wait for the light".
" I don't know if I have it in me to wait"
" I'll wait with you , and I will fight for you to gain the courage to get through this night. I promise we'll see light again."
The Canadian Gnome reached out his hand to the moon-faced princess. She was scared and her heart was beating out of her chest, but she met his reach. He lead her under the willow tree where they had slept, cradled her in his little gnome arms. They closed there eyes and went to sleep.
They woke up to the golden light.
The Gnome and princess decided to stay and live there for the remainder of their days. The princess knew that no matter how many nights there laid ahead , as long as she and the gnome were together, the light would always prevail.

We are

off to San Francisco for a . . . Damn BREAK!!! My ears are humming and my heart is singing the classic tune . . . San Francisco here I come, right back where I started from . . .

Confucius says . .

The Chinese monk who said " Cease to struggle, cease to live" never had to write research reports with extensive literature reviews, and footnotes. All he had was some existential questions on the existences and suffering of life. The advent of post- modern world know as the "Information Age" has presented it citizens' with some interesting and not interesting sufferings, such as term papers. I find it funny that I and many other modern people alike get extremely emotional and even angry when animate objects like the copy machine breaks down or jams the paper in the tray. People try to coax and fig git with the thing till it breaks down completely or it starts working again. I find it curious that people give more attention to a copy machine than to a begger on the street, the elderly, disabled people, or even their own spouse. What would St.Augutine or Confucius have to say about modern sufferings and struggles? What would Confucius do?

disguises and toupees

I'm reminded of happier days in my undergraduate career when i never use to stress (too much) about term papers, reading my books, or my confidence in making above a 3.5 average. I was clam, cool, and collected when it came to college because i knew how to "do" school. It took me 6 six years to finish my undergrad. So by the last two years I had College down pat, like a familiar football strategy or a good pasta recipe. I knew where to access it and that it would never let me down. I was flying in autopilot with my heel kick up on the dash.
I never considered myself a lazy student, a bit of procrastinator, but never lazy. Lately, I noticed that I have had to "try " at school work more. My grad classes are getting more complicated and more is beginning to be expected of us which is really a blessing in a shitty disguise with a protestant work ethic toupee.